Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
