I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
