if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I understand Curling. That high.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
