there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
