Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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