i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
