remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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