My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
