my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
