Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
