I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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