I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
