I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
