There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
