It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
