my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
