You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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