Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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