sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
