If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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