How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
