Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
