I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
