just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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