Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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