Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
3pm strippers are depressing
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
