I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
