if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
