Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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