he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
