Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
