I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
this beer tastes like vomit already
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
