youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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