I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
His nipple licking is glorious
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