Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
