Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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