Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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