dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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