Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
