Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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