If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
