I think I died a long time ago.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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