His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You made out with two different species that night
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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