I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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