Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
