Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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