I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
This house was built for laser tag.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
