I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I can't turn off my feet"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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