I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
