Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
