i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
