I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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