My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
