anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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